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Letter to an Adoptable Dog
Cartoon Dog

Dear Adoptable Dog:

Please find attached my curriculum vitae, submitted for consideration for the position as your person. As you can see from my history, I have a lengthy and proven track record of excellence and responsibility in all aspects of pet worship. I can provide documentation in the form of photo albums, memorial stones, clothes with muddy paw-print stains and memories etched in my heart.

Qualifications:
Fun One
Waste Management Administrator
Curator, Dead Things
Fecal Quality Assurance Manager (Served on the infamous 1999 “Intestinal Bug Diarrhea” Tour.)
Veterinary Liaison
Collection Specialist, Torn-Paper-Towel-Roll Division
Inventory Control, Victuals
Inventory Control, Recreational Items
Inventory Control, Fashion Accessories
Inventory Control, Anything Else You Want or Need to be Happy
Certified Toy-Batting-Abatement Technician (My motto: Like it Never Even Happened!)
Wide-Spectrum Stains Eradication Team Leader (Taught “Introduction to Blotting” for many years.)
Limousine Driver (Have my own stretch Subaru.)
Grooming or Grooming-Mitigation Expert (Whichever you prefer.)
Bedding Evaluation and Selection Specialist (Hashtag #Themoreitcoststhebetter)
Chuck-It Master (Top speed, clocked at 57 MPH, longest throw, 40 feet.)
Plant, Yard and Soil Restoration Management (Designed excavations repair program You Dig, I Fill.)
Nutritional Counselor (And if that doesn’t work, Flatulence Coordinator.)
Psychological Consultant (Well versed in the canine mind, having apprenticed with several, shall we say, “focused” dogs.)
Squeaker Collector

I am not only hard-working and have a great sense of humor, I firmly believe in three things: bringing home a fresh-roasted, grocery-store chicken every week (yes, the kind you will smell before I round the last corner); giving you your bedding right out of the dryer when it’s at its warmest and fluffiest; and finally (my most fervently held belief when it comes to dogs), never talking on a cell phone while walking a dog.

I hope you will consider me for the position.

Sincerely,
Elaine Sichel
Prospective Human Companion

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This article first appeared in The Bark,
Issue 75: Fall 2013

Elaine Sichel lives in Santa Barbara, Calif.; she worked for and served on the board of a San Francisco Bay Area animal shelter for 25 years before relocating to a climate more pleasing to her dogs.

Illustration by Hiranonsa

CommentsPost a Comment
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Submitted by dee | August 28 2013 |

A+

Submitted by Laura | August 28 2013 |

I understand why this was chosen as the winner...it's wonderful. Beautifully written with humour, but brimming over with love of the dog. I enjoyed it very much.

Submitted by Frances Hogan | August 28 2013 |

My stepmother used to cook hamburger for her 2 dogs every morning; we humans, including her, made do with cold cereal. For some reason, my stepmother became upset when she heard my sister say to me, "When I die, I want to come back as one of Sally's dog."

After reading this article, I know whose dog I want to be after my own reincarnation!

Submitted by Jo | August 29 2013 |

That is wonderfully written and speaks to all of who are avid dog lovers. Thank you.

Submitted by Theresa Houseman | January 6 2014 |

It was wonderful (my face aches from smiling so hard and so long) to read about your love for dogs, Elaine! I began my Walk of Love in July 2012 with a little rescue I named Tika. You wrote so much about what I can relate to. Especially the warm bedding -- she has a particularly sweet expression when I bury her in that warmth (planned to happen right after her Sunday bath!). Thanks for the love....

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