Dear Adoptable Dog:
Please find attached my curriculum vitae, submitted for consideration for the position as your person. As you can see from my history, I have a lengthy and proven track record of excellence and responsibility in all aspects of pet worship. I can provide documentation in the form of photo albums, memorial stones, clothes with muddy paw-print stains and memories etched in my heart.
Qualifications:
- Fun One
- Waste Management Administrator
- Curator, Dead Things
- Fecal Quality Assurance Manager (Served on the infamous 1999 “Intestinal Bug Diarrhea” Tour.)
- Veterinary Liaison
- Collection Specialist, Torn-Paper-Towel-Roll Division
- Inventory Control, Victuals
- Inventory Control, Recreational Items
- Inventory Control, Fashion Accessories
- Inventory Control, Anything Else You Want or Need to be Happy
- Certified Toy-Batting-Abatement Technician (My motto: Like it Never Even Happened!)
- Wide-Spectrum Stains Eradication Team Leader (Taught “Introduction to Blotting” for many years.)
- Limousine Driver (Have my own stretch Subaru.)
- Grooming or Grooming-Mitigation Expert (Whichever you prefer.)
- Bedding Evaluation and Selection Specialist (Hashtag #Themoreitcoststhebetter)
- Chuck-It Master (Top speed, clocked at 57 MPH, longest throw, 40 feet.)
- Plant, Yard and Soil Restoration Management (Designed excavations repair program You Dig, I Fill.)
- Nutritional Counselor (And if that doesn’t work, Flatulence Coordinator.)
- Psychological Consultant (Well versed in the canine mind, having apprenticed with several, shall we say, “focused” dogs.)
- Squeaker Collector
I am not only hard-working and have a great sense of humor, I firmly believe in three things: bringing home a fresh-roasted, grocery-store chicken every week (yes, the kind you will smell before I round the last corner); giving you your bedding right out of the dryer when it’s at its warmest and fluffiest; and finally (my most fervently held belief when it comes to dogs), never talking on a cell phone while walking a dog.
I hope you will consider me for the position.
Sincerely,
Elaine Sichel
Prospective Human Companion
