Letter to an Adoptable Dog

By Elaine Sichel, August 2013, Updated January 2021
letter to an adoptable dog

Dear Adoptable Dog:

Please find attached my curriculum vitae, submitted for consideration for the position as your person. As you can see from my history, I have a lengthy and proven track record of excellence and responsibility in all aspects of pet worship. I can provide documentation in the form of photo albums, memorial stones, clothes with muddy paw-print stains and memories etched in my heart.

Qualifications:

  • Fun One
  • Waste Management Administrator
  • Curator, Dead Things
  • Fecal Quality Assurance Manager (Served on the infamous 1999 “Intestinal Bug Diarrhea” Tour.)
  • Veterinary Liaison
  • Collection Specialist, Torn-Paper-Towel-Roll Division
  • Inventory Control, Victuals
  • Inventory Control, Recreational Items
  • Inventory Control, Fashion Accessories
  • Inventory Control, Anything Else You Want or Need to be Happy
  • Certified Toy-Batting-Abatement Technician (My motto: Like it Never Even Happened!)
  • Wide-Spectrum Stains Eradication Team Leader (Taught “Introduction to Blotting” for many years.)
  • Limousine Driver (Have my own stretch Subaru.)
  • Grooming or Grooming-Mitigation Expert (Whichever you prefer.)
  • Bedding Evaluation and Selection Specialist (Hashtag #Themoreitcoststhebetter)
  • Chuck-It Master (Top speed, clocked at 57 MPH, longest throw, 40 feet.)
  • Plant, Yard and Soil Restoration Management (Designed excavations repair program You Dig, I Fill.)
  • Nutritional Counselor (And if that doesn’t work, Flatulence Coordinator.)
  • Psychological Consultant (Well versed in the canine mind, having apprenticed with several, shall we say, “focused” dogs.)
  • Squeaker Collector

I am not only hard-working and have a great sense of humor, I firmly believe in three things: bringing home a fresh-roasted, grocery-store chicken every week (yes, the kind you will smell before I round the last corner); giving you your bedding right out of the dryer when it’s at its warmest and fluffiest; and finally (my most fervently held belief when it comes to dogs), never talking on a cell phone while walking a dog.

I hope you will consider me for the position.
Sincerely,
Elaine Sichel
Prospective Human Companion

Article first appeared in The Bark, Issue 75: Fall 2013

Illustration by Hiranonsa

Elaine Sichel lives in Santa Barbara, Calif.; she worked for and served on the board of a San Francisco Bay Area animal shelter for 25 years before relocating to a climate more pleasing to her dogs.

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