One of the worst things I have ever witnessed was my dog being hit by a car. I don’t have a kid, and I imagine that would be a million times worse, obviously, but I do have dogs. I don’t dress them up in outfits, much, or let them share my ice cream, often, or call them my child, unless they’re doing something particularly impressive, so I’m not one of those “Real Housewife” people just yet.
The dog in question was named Blue, and he was an ex-racing Greyhound. He was missing most of his teeth and was short almost all of the sandwiches in his picnic basket, if I’m honest. He also had a giant ham tongue that couldn’t help but fall out of his mouth, what with the missing teeth. He was goofy and shy and weird in all the right ways; my boyfriend and I taught him to wag his tail and that not all humans were bad. Some were quite nice, in fact, and would not mind if he swiped a hot dog right off their plate in a cheeky way like he might’ve seen in a movie once if he hadn’t been living in a tiny, cramped cage and had barely seen the light apart from the few hours a day he was made to run like his life depended on it—because his life did depend on it.
We were leaving the house for our usual morning walk when the little bugger slipped his collar. This was before we knew that Greyhounds require harnesses because, quite understandably, they don’t like something around their neck being pulled, even if that pulling is ever so gentle and just so they can go out and play. They also go like a shot if they see anything exciting—a cat or a smaller dog or a bird or a shiny thing. So you need to be one step ahead of them. They’re like toddlers, I imagine.
Off Blue went, like a shot, after nothing in particular. All he knew was that he was free. From what I don’t know; he had three beds, including ours, for cripes’ sake. But I sort of got it.
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I shouted his name and my boyfriend chased him around the neighbourhood. But we hadn’t had him very long, and what dog likes being caught? Even if the humans chasing him let him steal their hot dogs and sleep in their bed. It’s confusing being a newly adopted rescue dog.
Then I saw the car.
The scream I let out when I saw my dog heading straight for it was disturbing. It scared people, but none more so than myself. I really didn’t know I could scream like that. I’m a quiet, shy writer who can happily go days without uttering a word. My scream made people come out of their houses.
The car screeched to a stop. Blue had hit the car but bounced clean off like a rubber ball. I feared the worst, but he was suddenly in my arms, and alive. He was shaken up and had a little blood on his face, but seemed basically fine.
I was not fine. I had thought that was it. Game over. This beautiful, idiotic new addition to my life who I actually suspected made my life complete in some way was almost taken from me when I had only just found him.
We took him to the vet to be checked out, and everyone kept saying how lucky he was. “Maybe you should have called him Lucky,” the vet nurse said, and I said no, he’s called Blue. I wanted to tell her that he even had his own theme song, but knew that would sound weird. Nothing as strange as dog folk.
As it turned out, he was fine. No permanent damage. No aversions to soccer mums in SUVs … well, no more than he should have had.
I was not fine. The scream I let out came from somewhere I didn’t know existed, some deepest, darkest cavern of despair, one I’d wrongly thought I had visited during my teenage years and again later, after a particularly shitty relationship. But no. It seems I had never actually even peered down that particular cavern.
A few years later, Blue developed a tumor on his leg, and we eventually had to have him euthanized. Not before weeks of forcing him to take medication and watching him deteriorate daily. But we were selfish, and wanted to keep him with us as long as we could. One of my last memories of Blue is wrestling with him on the kitchen floor, trying to force him to take his meds because he was dying and I needed him to stay alive, and he just needed to swallow the goddamn pill. It was traumatic for both of us.
When he finally went, it was much calmer and quieter than that scene in the street.
I ate a lot of toast with peanut butter during those last days of nursing him, but after he was gone, I couldn’t touch the stuff. Just the thought of it made my mouth go funny. I know now that grief comes in many forms. Not a day goes by that I don’t want that happy, goofy boy back, rather than the pain of losing him twice. Which is how it felt.