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Top Secret
A Tale of Dogs, Flatulence and Giardia
Dog Winks

People’s names in the story I am about to tell you are not real. To protect the health and safety of the husband who told me this story, I’ll call him Harry and the woman’s name will be Sally — because if she finds out, he gets hurt. In fact, I am changing the name of the couple’s dog to protect the dog’s identity. You can see this is a serious situation, so don’t start laughing, OK? The name of Harry and Sally’s dog is Rocky.

One day, as Harry and Sally sat in the living room watching television with Rocky at their feet, an odor like passing gas filled the room. Naturally, Sally thought it was Harry and Harry thought it was Sally. Not wanting to embarrass the spouse, neither of them mentioned it for several weeks. But when Harry smelled gas and Sally wasn’t home, it became apparent that Rocky was the one passing gas. The couple called their veterinarian.

The vet said to retrieve Rocky’s stool (I am not talking about what he sits on but something he leaves outside) and bring it in for testing. This was done, and it turned out Rocky had giardia. The couple lived in San Francisco, and Harry had been walking Rocky around the neighborhood. Rocky was a chick magnet, and women would stop to admire him, which made Harry a happy man. Rocky would lick the women’s faces and hands. (Remember, it was Rocky doing this, not Harry.) Based on how many times this happened over the last year, it’s safe to say that fifty percent of women in San Francisco now have giardia.

Now, back to the vet’s report. When the report from the vet came, Harry and Sally started treating Rocky right away. At this time, they both admitted to having a gas problem themselves. Sally looked up information about giardia on the Internet and found out that humans can get giardia; one symptom was gas. Since Harry and Sally’s problem was lasting several weeks, they concluded they should see a doctor and be tested for giardia. The couple went to a local clinic and saw a woman doctor — which made Sally comfortable but almost caused Harry to pass more gas, especially when he was examined and poked in the stomach by the woman (but he didn’t lick her face or hands).

Thinking in advance, Sally and Harry had brought stool samples with them in a small cooler. (They probably never again will put anything in that cooler.) The doctor said the samples might have been contaminated by urine, as they were fished out of the toilet (how I don’t want to know), and so more samples were needed. To accomplish this, Harry and Sally were given something referred to as a “hat.” Harry described the hat as something no one with a sound mind would ever wear. It’s made of plastic, and you place it on the rear of the toilet seat and sit down. Then you “take care of business,” according to Harry. They each had to prepare samples from four different occasions, if you get my drift. On top of that, the samples had to be refrigerated until dropped off at the doctor’s office.

As chance would have it, the couple was entertaining friends for dinner. Sally warned Harry to make sure his samples were covered in plastic bags in the refrigerator, just as hers were, so they could not be detected — in case a guest got up to get something out of the refrigerator before he could be tackled. Luck was with them, because bad weather caused dinner to be rescheduled. This allowed time for the couple to complete the samples and drop them at the doctor’s office. Now they had to wait for the lab report, which would tell them if they had giardia.

It was three days later when four couples joined them for the rescheduled dinner. Everyone was having a wonderful time, chatting away, when the phone rang. Harry and Sally each assumed it was a solicitor, so they ignored the call and let the answering machine pick it up. This was a bad choice. In the middle of the dinner conversation, this message erupted over the chatter: “This is Doctor Bartlett. Your test results came in this evening, and I wanted to alert you. You both have giardia, which as you know is highly contagious. Please come into the office tomorrow and pick up the prescriptions you need. We will have to check your stools again after you’ve been on the medication for ten days. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call me.”

The room fell silent — like it was a wake rather than a dinner. All the guests suddenly remembered pressing events requiring their presence at home. In less than five minutes the four couples had left; some even forgot their coats in the closet. As for Harry and Sally, the last time we talked, Harry said they were starting to provide another round of samples, Rocky’s stools were now clear, and they were thinking of moving to another state.


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